By Monique Judge /Originally published by theGrio
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
Ever since Donald Trump got on an international stage and told everyone that immigrants are taking “Black jobs,” the Black delegation has spent a great amount of time ruminating over just what exactly these Black jobs are.
Are there actually jobs in this country that only belong to Black people, and should we be fearful that immigrants will come and take those jobs from us?
Over the weekend, I reached out to my colleagues Michael Harriot (a brilliant writer and economist) and Panama Jackson (THEE Black cultural connoisseur), and we had a meeting to discuss which jobs are actually Black jobs that only Black people can do.
We did this as a service to Black people because we don’t want y’all out here worrying about someone coming to take your spot in something that rightfully belongs to you.
We came up with a list of Black-ass jobs that only Black people can do, and I present them to you now.
Read over the qualifications below, apply for the jobs you want, and secure your spot so that no one else can take it away from you.
Popeyes worker
Let’s start with one of the Blackest Black jobs ever. You have to be Black to work at a Popeyes because most Popeyes locations are in non-gentrified neighborhoods, and it takes one of us to deal with the rest of us when people get attitudes about chicken pieces, red beans and rice, biscuits that can kill you, and things of that nature.
You have to be Black with the right amount of hood attitude to have this job, and it’s probably better if you know how to fight.
Shade Tree mechanics
You know how when something breaks down on your car on a Friday, and the shop tells you it’s going to cost an amount of money you cannot possibly come up with before it’s time for you to go back to work on Monday, and you complain to your granny, and she tells you Leon up the street can get that fixed for you for the smooth price of $50, a pack of Newports, and an eighth of weed?
He can only be a Black man. And yes, we know there are shade tree mechanics of all colors, but honestly, who are you going to trust the most?
Exactly.
Candy lady
Ain’t nobody Black letting their kids buy or eat treats from anyone other than a Black lady in the neighborhood that everybody knows.
No, I will not elaborate.
Sassy customer service worker
The sassy customer service worker is different from those other customer service workers because you got about two times to say something slick to her before she forgets she’s at her job and not outside on the street with you, and to be honest, some of y’all need that because you be talking to people crazy and going too far.
Black guy who dies first in a horror movie
If I have to explain this to you, you not like us.
The “affirmative action” or “DEI” hire
Sure, you got this job on your own merits, but white people will never believe that. You symbolize everything they hate. You know what you’re doing, and you’re good at your job, but they will continue to seek to diminish you because it bothers them that you are there.
“Black Identity Extremist”
No, you don’t exist, but the FBI thinks you do, and apparently, the only qualifica
Online university promotional figure
Master P’s son Romeo shouldn’t get all the shine here. Since schools like ICDC and Everest College are obviously targeting people who look like us, the spokespeople should look like us too.
Lady who “sells plates”
If you can make a mean pan of macaroni and cheese and everyone raves about your greens and potato salad, you can have this job. Bonus points if you put your plates in those divided styrofoam containers and sell them out of your trunk next to the liquor store.
Head usher
To be clear, white churches probably have ushers, but there’s no hierarchy in their usher system the way there is in Black churches.
tion for this job is to be unapologetically Black. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
Hype man
There are white rappers, but have you ever seen a white hype man?
Anyone who’s just called “reverend”
This also doesn’t need an explanation. Related: Are there white assistant pastors?
Hustler
Let’s be clear: white people work and get paid. Black people hustle and get money. It’s a difference.
Postal workers
Seriously. The US Postal service is technically a corporation, and it’s literally the largest employer of Black people in the U.S.
Barbers
To be clear, white men go to the salon; Black men go to the barbershop. When we say “barber” or “barbershop,” we are speaking specifically to the Black institution where Black men go for grooming and gossip.
Watermelon man
Keep it real. When it’s watermelon season, you looking for that Black man selling them out of the back of his pickup truck on the side of the road.
If you aren’t looking for the Black man, you must not really like watermelon.
Kardashian baby daddy
The only way to qualify to impregnate one of the Kardashians is to be Black. The only one with white children is Kourtney, and it seems wholly intentional on her part, but the rest of them truly believe “if it’s white, it ain’t right.”
Additionally, here are some footnotes with other options you may consider.
- Potato salad maker: I’mma only eat potato salad if somebody Black made it. You should do what I do.
- Kool-Aid maker: related to the above, Black people make the best Kool-Aid. Sure, it will probably give you an insane sugar high, but does it even taste good if there’s not an entire bag of C&H in it?
- Bootleg man: the bootleg man has to be Black because only a Black man is brave enough to travel the streets carrying bootleg DVDs of movies currently in theaters with no fear of reprisal.
- Nurses can be any race, but ALL nursing students are Black
- It should be noted that white people are cosmetologists, nail techs, and comedians. Black people do hair, do nails and do comedy.
I hope this list was helpful. Let me know if we forgot anything.
